Pieter Nagel: Swapping Thoughts

Whether men, or women, we all have our shadow sides. Having shadows you’d rather deny are part of being human, too.

We lie, we steal, we plot against each other, we betray one another, we stab friends in the back. We even beat up and assault enemies, or rape, or murder. The list goes on.

Now, it is almost undeniable that there are some things on the list that men are more guilty of than women. By that token, it’s equally undeniable that there are some things on the list that women are more guilty of than men. Sometimes it makes a difference whether it’s men doing it to men, or women doing it to women, or men and women doing it to each other.

Sometimes it’s easy to make a judgement call which of these are worse than the other: for example, as far as I’m concerned, one single murder outweighs a lifetime of gossip.

But sometimes it’s not that easy. If, for example, some drunk at a bar were to knife me twice and break my arm, would that be worse than if someone were to feign friendship for ten years and during that time systematically destroy my self-worth and independence?

Given all that, I find it extremely unlikely that one could ever stand back and make a final judgement call: yup, men are worse than women, because even though women are more guilty of A, B, and C, men are more guilty of X, Y and Z – and X, Y and Z are undeniably worse than A, B, and C.

I believe very strongly in gender equality.

Therefore, it seems logical to me, that if  men are, for example, physically stronger than women and have the upper hand when it comes to physical violence and intimidation – whether in sexual relationships, friendships, amongst their peers or towards their adversaries – women would tend to tactically resort to other strategies to even the field.

To imply that women are intrinsically incapable of finding other strategies would seem, to me, to be terribly paternalistic – a virtual admission that women are in fact inferior.

To imply that women are intrinsically virtuous and untempted to find other strategies, would seem – well, frankly as far as I’m concerned making women out to be Angels is just as paternalistic and demeaning.

To the extent that there are gender differences in aptitudes for various forms of coercion, the genders’ experience of those kind of violence would of course differ strongly. And this is true whether one is a victim, perpetrator, or merely a by-stander empathising with others of your own gender.

It’s quite likely that many levels of bias are at play. If men are truly more likely to be the perpetrators than the victims of physical violence, men just won’t have the same experience of fear of becoming a victim than women have.

Also, if men’s physical strength gives them an edge over women, whether or not they use it, just because women fear they might use it – then a man who would never dream of laying a finger on a woman might still be blissfully unaware of the advantage that he has over women and the extent to which he subconsciously caches in on that advantage.

And then, the bitter pill: if violence is truly a more male phenomenon, maybe there’s a corner in every man’s proverbial reptilian brain that biases him to downplay the extent to which men are violent towards women  – to protect an ace that he secretly knows he might want to keep up his sleeve and play in future.

But I believe the same holds true in reverse.

To the extent that women have their own tendencies towards their own kinds of strategies for aggression, they would similarly be blinded to what it feels like to fear being on the receiving end. They would also be blissfully unaware of the self-protective contortions men go through “just in case” this woman plays her female ace, and the extent that they benefit from the power that fear gives them. They might also harbour their own dark dreams in their own reptilian brains of maybe, one day, actually doing it.

For one example amongst many: men often express the fear that a woman might falsely accuse them of rape or sexual abuse – and then they would be royally screwed. Frankly, this is a fear I can relate to; but it seems to me that women are almost always dismissive of that fear. Often they even go as far as saying that the man who says he fears that  is a chauvinist asshole who obviously is a rape denier, and he must be a sexual predator of some sort because otherwise why would he be concerned about being accused, if he’s innocent? And anyway, they add, it happens so rarely that to even mention it draws away attention from the real problem, which is that men are violent and stronger than women, and assault women.

I submit that all the aforementioned biases are at play here. The women downplay the fear of being a victim of false rape accusation because, frankly, that’s one of their modes of aggression, not one of their modes of victimhood. They just can’t conceive of it happening, or can’t understand how such a remote possibility could in any way weigh on men’s minds. They just don’t “get” the fear of a false rape accusation, just like men just don’t “get” women’s fear of walking alone at night. It’s not part of either’s reality.

I guess there’ll be lots of women reading this who’ll be annoyed reading this because, “Duh! Men are stronger and more violent than women, so obviously all this talk of psychological violence is just hair-splitting, because psychological violence is just not the same as physical violence!”. Well, no. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t – as I said at the outset: it’s very difficult for to weigh up the various aggressive behaviors men and women engage in and say which are “worse” on average. And maybe the rhetorical gambit of “sweeping everything but physical violence off the table” is just the bias I mentioned before talking, making you blind to women’s unique styles of aggression towards men, making a sole issue of men’s styles of aggression.

My challenge to women is this: Equality of the Sexes goes further than just equality of rights and opportunities.  Uncomfortable as it is, it extends to Equal Responsibility to Own up to the Dark Corners of our Psyche.

Society Gender relations